For Sister Chang’e, who could be satisfied with just one carrot, how could Lin Hai bear to leave her yearning and restless?
“Little sister-in-law, pull over at that carrot stall up ahead. I need to buy one more.”
“Didn’t you just buy two?”
“Ate them.”
Liu Xinqing stopped the car, and Lin Hai went and bought another carrot.
“Hey, why do you love eating carrots so much? Are you a big white rabbit or something?” Liu Xinqing asked curiously as she drove.
Pfft! You’re the big white rabbit—your whole body is covered in big white rabbits!
“What, only big white rabbits are allowed to eat carrots?” Lin Hai replied with a hint of annoyance.
“Of course! Big white rabbits all love carrots,” Liu Xinqing answered innocently.
Lin Hai promptly extended the carrot toward her.
“Here. Don’t you have two big white rabbits right there on your chest? Want me to feed them?”
“Ah! Get lost, you filthy pervert!” Liu Xinqing angrily slapped the steering wheel.
“Whoa, hey, you silly girl, can you please drive properly!” Liu Xinqing got flustered and nearly sideswiped the car next to them.
Alright, this was a newbie driver, and a female one at that—better behave himself and stop teasing her.
Ding!
Lin Hai’s WeChat buzzed again.
He checked and saw that Chang’e had sent another nudge since he hadn’t replied for a while.
Chang’e the Moon Goddess: Great Immortal, why aren’t you answering me? Could you please just give me one carrot? Please? Boohoo… Followed by a crying emoji.
Damn, your big brother here was already out buying one for you!
Just as Lin Hai was about to send it, Chang’e sent another message.
Chang’e the Moon Goddess: Great Immortal, if a whole one is too precious, then half a carrot will do too. I don’t mind it being short, but please give me a half that’s a bit thicker. I’m begging you—it’s been thousands of years since I’ve tasted carrot, and I’m just dying for it. Followed by a teary-eyed emoji.
Pfft!
“Hahaha!” Lin Hai burst out laughing the moment he read Chang’e’s message.
Seriously, Sister Chang’e, can you at least have some dignity? The way you phrased that—it’s way too suggestive!
“Hey, what are you laughing like a goof about?” Liu Xinqing asked.
“Nothing. Some woman said she likes carrots too, and prefers them thicker. Hey, little sister-in-law, do you prefer thicker carrots or longer ones?” Lin Hai held back his laughter and couldn’t resist teasing her again.
“I don’t like carrots at all. I only like cucumbers.”
Pfft!
Liu Xinqing’s reply nearly choked Lin Hai to death.
“Cough, cough, cough—you said you like cucumbers?”
Lin Hai was practically dying of laughter. This little sister-in-law was way too adorable—that answer was absolutely perfect.
“Yeah, my sister likes cucumbers too. Didn’t you know? Hey, why are you laughing so much? What’s so funny?” Liu Xinqing was confused.
“Nothing, nothing,” Lin Hai said, clutching his stomach and waving his hand. “Your sister won’t like cucumbers in a couple more days.”
“She won’t like them in a couple of days? Why?” Liu Xinqing tilted her little head and asked in puzzlement.
“Because your sister likes me more.”
Lin Hai added silently to himself, She likes “that part” of me even more—wahaha!
“Hmph, don’t flatter yourself. You think you can compare to a cucumber?” Liu Xinqing curled her lip dismissively.
Pfft!
Lin Hai’s face darkened.
Seriously, what are you saying! Was your big brother here not even as good as a cucumber? That was downright insulting!
“Damn it, your big brother here is way better than a cucumber—want to test that out?” Lin Hai said, annoyed.
“Test it out? How? Cucumbers are crisp and tender—so delicious to eat. And you? Your skin looks like old tree bark—even a dog wouldn’t take a bite!”
“Hey, what are you talking about? Your big brother here is tender too, alright? Look at this little face—so delicate it might pop, practically dripping with moisture. And these little hands—softer and more supple than a girl’s. How can you call that old tree bark? Here, take a bite and see for yourself!” Lin Hai said indignantly, sticking his hand right up to Liu Xinqing’s mouth in a huff.
Liu Xinqing wasn’t one to hold back—she bit down hard.
“Ow, damn it! Are you a dog or something? You actually bit me!” Lin Hai yelped and quickly pulled his hand back.
“Pfft, pfft, pfft! See? Old tree bark—dry and rough,” Liu Xinqing said, a sly glint in her eyes.
Ding!
Lin Hai’s WeChat buzzed again. He looked down—Chang’e was getting impatient.
Chang’e the Moon Goddess: Great Immortal, hurry up! I want it, I want it now! Followed by a shy emoji.
Pfft!
Lin Hai nearly fell off his seat.
Seriously, Chang’e, the way you talk is way too ambiguous! What exactly do you want? Can you be clearer!
Your big brother here could easily get the wrong idea, you know!
Lin Hai thought for a moment and decided not to send it right away.
Little Confused Immortal: I can give you a carrot, but I have two conditions.
Chang’e the Moon Goddess: I’ll agree to anything! Followed by a shy emoji.
What? Really? Lin Hai’s eyes immediately turned into peach blossoms.
So, if your big brother here wanted to get it on with you, Chang’e… Lin Hai snickered to himself.
But he was just daydreaming. No matter what Chang’e said, if he actually dared to have any funny ideas, he’d probably be blasted into dust.
Little Confused Immortal: First, I’d like you to help guide a friend of mine in singing.
Liu Xinyue had been learning the Moon Palace Celestial Singing technique but just couldn’t capture that certain feeling. Lin Hai figured this was the perfect chance to have Chang’e take a look and see where the problem was.
Chang’e the Moon Goddess: That’s easy—no problem at all.
Little Confused Immortal: Second, hehe—Goddess, you’re the great beauty of the Heavenly Court. How about sending me a photo so I can have a look?
Chang’e’s profile picture was a silhouette of her dancing with her back turned. Lin Hai was dying to see the face of the most famous beauty in the heavens.
Chang’e the Moon Goddess: Are you asking for my private photos? Followed by a shy emoji.
Pfft!
Sure, your big brother here was thinking that, but did you have to say it out loud? How embarrassing!
Little Confused Immortal: Private photos would be even better, of course! Followed by a lecherous emoji.
Chang’e the Moon Goddess: You’re so naughty! Give me the carrot first, or I won’t send you any pictures. Followed by another shy emoji.
Damn, it was just a carrot! If it meant getting to see Chang’e’s private photos, sending a whole truckload would be worth it.
Ding!
You sent a carrot to Chang’e the Moon Goddess.
Chang’e the Moon Goddess: Wow, so long and thick! I love it! Thank you so much, Great Immortal. Followed by a grateful emoji.
Lin Hai pressed his hand to his forehead. Seriously, Chang’e, the way you talk is absolutely lethal.
Little Confused Immortal: We can talk about coaching my friend later. For now, how about sending that photo? Followed by a drooling emoji.
Chang’e the Moon Goddess: Haven’t you ever seen me before? Why do you insist on a photo?
Little Confused Immortal: This little immortal has a lowly rank—I’ve only ever seen you from afar a few times. It’s just not satisfying enough.
Chang’e the Moon Goddess: Hehe, hold on a moment. I’ll go take one right now.
Little Confused Immortal: Sure, sure, sure—hurry up, Goddess.
Lin Hai was thrilled. Damn, he was about to see the true face of the legendary Chang’e the Moon Goddess!
But then—half an hour passed, and there was still no word from Chang’e.
Lin Hai’s face darkened. Seriously, was Chang’e trying to weasel out of her end of the deal over a single carrot?
“Hey, little sister-in-law, if a woman wants to take a photo to send to a guy, how long does it usually take?” Lin Hai asked Liu Xinqing.
“At least an hour or two. Why do you ask?”
Pfft!
“How long?” Lin Hai thought he must have misheard.
“An hour or two. What’s the matter?”
“Why does it take that long? Taking a photo takes less than a minute, doesn’t it?” Lin Hai was baffled.
“Hmph! You think women are like men? When a girl takes a photo to send to a guy, she has to put on makeup first, strike all kinds of poses, edit the picture, and all that—honestly, an hour or two might not even be enough.”
Lin Hai was dumbfounded. Seriously, did it have to be that complicated?
“Hey, you’re not secretly asking some other girl for photos behind my sister’s back, are you?” Liu Xinqing suddenly asked with a suspicious look.
“No way! I was just asking out of curiosity. Just focus on your driving,” Lin Hai said, feeling a bit guilty.
Ding!
Lin Hai’s WeChat buzzed.
He looked down—it was an image message from Chang’e.
Haha! That’s divine efficiency for you. Who said Chang’e needed an hour or two? She sent it in just over half an hour!
Lin Hai eagerly opened it to take a look.
“This can’t be!” He froze the moment he saw it.
